Eagles Nest BBS 5/Eagles_Nest_Mac_Collection_Disc_5.TOAST/Other Non-Macintosh Text/HUMOR21-30/hum024

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Date:         Sat, 5 Mar 1994 07:53:50 -0500
From: BITNET list server at UGA (1.7f) <[e-mail]>
Subject:      File: "HUMOR LOG00024"
To: Jack Zibert <[e-mail]>

HUMOR024
==========
Date:         Wed, 28 Jul 1993 14:05:56 -0600
From:         Les Pourciau at Memphis State <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Sign (clean)

Seen on the wall behind a receitionist's desk:

                My life is
                filled with
                 Romance,
                  Danger,
                 Lust...,
              and dust balls
                the size of
                        cantaloupes!

==========
Date:         Wed, 28 Jul 1993 13:52:36 PDT
From:         Dennis Clouse <[e-mail]>
Subject:      The Statues (vulgarity)

  There's a statue, in a small community park, of a guy and a girl,
nude, embracing passionately.
  The Fairy Godmother drops in for a visit, and touches each with her
magic wand, bringing each of them to life.
  She says,"You two have brought so much enjoyment to this community
over the decades, I have decided to reward you both with the gift of
life ... for ONE HOUR".
  They take one look at each other, and vanish into the nearby bushes.
  Half an hour of flying twigs, dust, (etc.) later, they emerge
from the bushes.
  "Wow!", he says, "That was _really_ good for me. How about you?"
  "Yes!", she says, "That's something I've always wanted to do!"
  "Wait a minute!", says the Fairy Godmother, "You've only been gone a
half hour. You still have 30 minutes left".
  He looks at the girl, and says, "Wanna do it again?"
  She replies, "Absolutely ... only this time, _YOU_ hold the pigeons
down, and let _ME_ shit on them!"
==========
Date:         Wed, 28 Jul 1993 15:57:34 CDT
From:         Ed Johnson <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Hard times

Hey, things are tough out there. Driving out of Los Vegas, I saw a hooker by
the side of the road with the sign, "Will Screw for Food."

Then there are the psycho lawyers.  One of them spray painted on the side of
his firm's building, "Stop me before I sue again."

                                        --Ed Johnson
                                          University of Alabama
==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 12:09:01 +0100
From:         S Ramchandran <[e-mail]>
Subject:      bumpersticker

LETS NOT MEET BY ACCIDENT
==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 08:00:03 EST
From:         Joe Mole <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Dead or alive <the Mulla's logic>

DEAD OR ALIVE: The Mulla tests the limits of logic

  The Mulla was thinking aloud:  "How do I know whether I'm dead or
alive?"

  "Don't be such a fool," his wife said, "if you were dead your
limbs would be cold."

  Shortly afterward Nasudin was in a the forest cutting wood.  It
was midwinter.  Suddenly he realized that his hands and feet were
cold.

  "I'm undoubtedly dead," he thought, "so I must stop working,
because corpses do not work."

  And, because corpses do not walk about, he lay down on the grass.

  Soon a pack of wolves appeared and started to attack Nasrudin's
donkey, which was tethered to a tree.

  "Yes, carry on, take advantage of a dead man," said Nasrudin from
his prone position," but if I had been alive I would not have
allowed you to take liberties with my donkey."
==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 08:36:35 EST
From:         Sara Rummelhart <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Generally tasteless jokes <BE WARNED>

Why do they bury a lawyer 10 feet under?
Because deep down they're not so bad.

Upper-class Brit: "I'm terribly sorry to hear that you buried your wife
yesterday."
Even-more-Upper-class Brit: "Had to. Dead, you know."

Do you know why Irish dogs have snubbed noses?
From chasing parked cars.

What's the best selling deodorant in Puerto Rico?
Raid.

What's a "wiener"?
The first runner to cross the finish line in a Mexican track meet.

How come Pakistanis go around with their flies open?
In case they have to count to eleven.

Why don't the Swiss approve of artificial insemination?
They don't like the idea of using someone else's leftovers.

American talking to a European: "I've noticed that the Scots I shake
hands with always seem to be sticky.  Tell me, is it their money thing,
or does it have something to do with the way they have sex?"
==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 10:03:00 -0400
              Ithaca College" <[e-mail]>
From:         "Jim Mica (Jimbo), Office of Admission,
              Ithaca College" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Political Bumper Sticker

If you can't trust me to make a choice,
how can you trust me to make a baby?
==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 15:22:07 BST
From:         Derryck Lamptey <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Clean (U.K) Woolly

Seen in a shop in Bakewell (in Derbyshire, England)


"Wear British Wool.  41 million sheep can't be wrong"


Derryck.
==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 10:32:54 EDT
From:         ADKO000 Kathleen Olivier - Computer Center <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Trendy but Clean

One day Aino and Toivo (local Finnish names, substitute as
needed for desired Nationality) were talking and Aino
remarked that he'd always wanted to try Bungee Jumping.
Toivo, on the other hand, had no such desire.  "But Toivo,"
cried Aino, "It's exciting.  It's adventurous.  How can
you go through life without even giving it a try?"  To
which Toivo replied, "Look Aino, I came into this world
on a broken rubber, I don't want to go out the same way!"

Kathleen Olivier
ADKO@NMUMUS
***********************************
* My sense of humor may be warped *
* But at least I've got one!      *
***********************************
==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 10:40:01 EDT
From:         "< jIm bArREtT >" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Famous books never written

                   Famous Books never written

Practical proctology by Bea Hind.

Hooker by Wanna Bawl.

The future of robotics by Cy Borg and Anne Droid.

What to do if you're in a car accident by Rhea Ender.

My life as a dyslexic by Bass Ackwards.

Forest sojourns by Syl Vann and Piney Woods.

A day of a thousand years by Ann O. Domini.

Call me a lush by Nita Belt.

Exercises for busy men by Sol T. Dick.

Why women exercise by Hy Bunz.

How things work by Wyatt Dunne.

Beating the stockmarket by Djuna Howe.

Opthamology by I. C. Stare.

Breathing lessons by Hal E. Tosis.

Finding the right path by Wanda Way.

The ethical lawyer by Dewey Cheetum.

White people by Van Ella.

Blue monday by Misty Day.

Diner by Hammond Egger.

How to serve mankind by Jeffrey Dahmer.

A bartender's guide to mixed drinks by Hy Ball.
==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 11:08:42 -0400
From:         Ian <[e-mail]>
Subject:      How to deal with flooding

A BUCKETFUL OF ANGER

KULIM: Fed up with the frequent flooding of his house, a houseowner
gave a dose of his medicine to a Kulim District Council officer last
Thursday.  The retired teacher from the Taman Bersatu walked calmly
into the council office and emptied a bucketful of slime into the
council engineer's room.  The engineer, Nasir Abdul Ghani, was not
in his room at the time of the incident.  Council president Haji
Hashim Ismail in confirming the incident said the council has lodged
a police report.
==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 08:19:00 PDT
From:         "Dawson, Margaret" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      bumpersticker

I am slow, but I am ahead of you.
==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 11:24:11 EST
Comments:     MEMO 1993/07/29 11:45
From:         CLoris <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Project Managers (PG)

     I think most of you can relate to this (source unknown):

          Project Managers
          ------- --------

     If you get in my way, I'll kill you!
          - ideal project manager

     If you get in my way, you'll kill me!
          - somewhat less than ideal project manager

     If I get in my way, I'll kill you!
          - somewhat misguided project manager

     If I get in your way, I'll kill you!
          - A tough m.f. project manager
            (eats glass, live cats,etc.)

     If get kill in will way I you.
          - dyslexic, functionally illiterate project manager

     I am the way! Kill me if you can!
          - messianic project manager

     Get away, I'll kill us all!
          - suicidal project manager

     If you kill me, I'll get in your way!
          - thoughtful but ineffective project manager

     If I kill you, I'll get in your way!
          - project manager who has trouble dealing with the obvious

     If a you getta ina my way, I gonna breaka your arm.
          - project manager from New York

     I am quite confident that there is nothing in the way, so no one will get
     killed.
          - project manager who is about to get into big trouble

     If you kill me, so what?  If you get in my way, who cares?
          - weak, uninspired, lackluster project manager

     Kill me, it's the only way.
          - every project manager to date.

     --------------------------------------+-------------------------------
                 Chris Loris               |
         [e-mail]     | One question that has never
        Associate Logisitcs Engineering    |  been answered to my
        Support Specialist & Internaut     |  satisfaction by the "Playboy
     --------------------------------------+  Advisor" is "What kind of
     Harris Corporation Electronic Systems |  stereo system works best in
         Systems Sector - Air Traffic      |  hell?"
           Control Systems Division        |           - Jack Handey
     --------------------------------------+-------------------------------
==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 11:54:38 EDT
From:         Jeffrey R Kell <[e-mail]>
Organization: University of Tennessee at Chattanooga
Subject:      Re: bumpersticker (rude language)
              29 Jul 1993 08:19:00 PDT from <[e-mail]>

On Thu, 29 Jul 1993 08:19:00 PDT Dawson, Margaret said:
>I am slow, but I am ahead of you.

Or "If you don't like my driving, call 1-800-EAT-SHIT"
==========
Date:         Tue, 28 Jul 1992 13:45:00 CST
From:         LAURIE ROACH 715-232-1898 <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Bumper sticker (Rated R)

My favorite bumper sticker, seen a semi on the interstate, was:

                        Save a mouse,
                        Eat a pussy.

Laurie Roach ([e-mail])
==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 10:30:40 PST
From:         Faye Powell <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Nerd jokes

1) Two atoms were walking down the street, and one said to the other,
"I think I lost an electron."
    The other replied, "Are you sure?"
    "Yes.  I'm positive."

 2) There are three kinds of mathematicians:  those that can count,
and those that can't.

==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 12:36:02 -0500
From:         David Gamble <[e-mail]>
Subject:      My Favorite Bumper Sticker

My favorite bumper sticker reads:
        "I hate bumper stickers!"

==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 13:33:01 -0400
From:         Suzanne Bury <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Secret to success

There are two rules for success in life:

   (1) Don't tell anyone everything you know

   (2)

==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 10:55:32 PDT
From:         "Michael S. Sekoni (X8593) PROFS (MSS)" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Highway 101

A guy from the middle east was visiting California
and he was driving up north on highway 101 and the
guy saw 101 sign on the freeway as he was driving.
He was driving at about 90 miles/hr and was stopped
by highway patrol for speeding. He said to the officer
you must be joking because i have not done anything
wrong, the sign says 101 and i am only making 90,
so what's the problem ?

enjoy it

One and only
==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 14:01:13 -0400
From:         Mike Thompson <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Nerd jokes

There are two kinds of people in this world - those that divide the world
into two kinds of people and those that don't.

L8r.


On Thu, 29 Jul 1993, Faye Powell wrote:

>  2) There are three kinds of mathematicians:  those that can count,
> and those that can't.
>
==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 12:59:00 CDT
From:         Katie Buller <[e-mail]>
Subject:      sign fun (clean)

"Vandalized" road sign seen near Chicago:

Interstate 90
Northwestern 0

==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 14:05:21 EST
From:         Tommy Hughes <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Mildly amusing idioms

*Egg on*
    To egg someone on is to encourage a person to keep doing something,
usually something not quite nice.  It has nothing to do with eggs, but
is a corruption of the word "edge."

*Flash in the pan*
    This is a classic dead metaphor.  It means a spectacular beginning
that is quickly followed by failure.  The allusion is to the action of
the old flint-lock rifles.  Occasionally after being all primed (loaded)
to fire, the gun would misfire--there would be a big flash of the gun-
powder going off in the lock-pan, but the projectile would not be shot.

*Ax to grind*
    A person who has a selfish reason for wanting something to be done
in a certain way or to a certain person is said to have an ax to grind.
Benjamin Franklin once told a story about how a man came to him asking
Ben to show him how the grindstone worked. He handed Ben an ax he had
brought with him, and then pretended not to understand exactly how it
worked until Ben had illustrated so often, the man's ax was thoroguhly
sharpened!
==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 11:13:46 PDT
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was
              [e-mail]
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Life  2.1     A collection of clean humor gather seven years ago

-----------------------------------------------------------------

A bit of afterword on Boyd's Florida barrel-rolling law.
                Thanks to Paula Balch.PA

"The Trenton Pickle Ordinance and Other Bonehead Legislation" by Dick Hyman
(The Stephen Greene Press, Brattleboro, Vermont) lists 114 pages of items similar
to "Florida law prohibits rolling a barrel down the street."

The California selection includes:

DID YOU KNOW. . .?

In Blythe, a city ordinance declares that a person must own at least two cows
before he is permitted to wear cowboy boots in public.

A Stockton law of 1926 makes it illegal to wiggle while dancing.

A Riverside health ordinance states that two persons may not kiss without first
wiping their lips with carbolized rose water.

San Francisco prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they
are on a leash.

But in Belvedere, a City Council order reads:  "No dog shall be in a public place
without its master on a leash."

In Hanford, people may not interfere with children jumping over water puddles.

The California Paiute Indian Reservation's laws forbid a mother-in-law to spend
more than thirty days a year with her children.

Babies in Los Angeles are forbidden to ride in a grocery pushcart with food their
mothers have been buying.

Los Angeles law also forbids hunting moths under a street light, and says that
you can't drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one
time.

L.A. also prohibits pickle-making at any point within the city's jurisdiction
where its aroma might offend the nostrils of passersby.

But an L.A. judge rules that "A private citizen may snore with immunity in his
own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional
ability in that particular field."

In Berkeley it's against the law to be caught smoking, or with matches in your
possession, while out fishing.  You also can't whistle for your lost canary before
7 a.m.

It is unlawful to plant vegetables in California cemeteries, or to pick feathers
from live geese, or to sell snakes on the street.

It's a misdeameanor to detain a homing pigeon in California.

A Glendale ordinance permits horror films to be shown only on Mondays,
Tuesdays or Wednesdays.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Real Headlines

[Courtesy of "The Lower case" page of the Columbia Journalism Review.]

City picks complex contractor           -- COLUMBIA RECORD, S. C. 6/15/81

19 Feet Broken in Pole Vault            -- WICHITA EAGLE-BEACON, Kan. 6/21/81

City sewage rats may go up in 1982      -- MUNCIE EVENING PRESS, Ind. 12/29/80

Lions to install officers at zoo        -- Linden, Ohio NEWS 6/10/81

'Mild' fertility drug produces quadruplets in 3 minutes
                                        -- NEW MEXICAN, Santa Fe 6/14/81

New Jersey to be moved                  -- Johnstown, Pa. TRIBUNE-DEMOCRAT 7/25/81

Homicide suspect napped here            -- Green Bay, Wis. NEWS-CHRONICLE 12/31/80

If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while
                                        -- Baltimore SUN 6/13/81
==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 11:47:43 -0700
From:         Linda White <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Bumperstickers

I'd rather you were sailing, too.
I [spade symbol] my cat.
==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 14:09:00 -05
From:         Rosie Barger <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Bumperstickers

My favorite bumpersticker:
"Beam me up Scotty, there's no intelligent life here"
Rosie
==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 15:01:34 -0400
From:         "Dawn M. Shotts" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      PG13 Not that offensive

This guy, see, was walkin' down the street sportin' two -- not one, but
two -- black eyes; a coupla real shiners.  He chanced upon his buddy
walkin' th' other way and they stopped to talk.  "Hey buddy," sez his
buddy, "where'd'ja git them good lookin' shiners?  Musta been a helluva
fight."

"Well actually I got them in church," sez he.

"Nowwaitaminnit," sez his buddy, "nobody gits black eyes in church!"

"I swear I did," sez he, "and here's how it happened.
We all got up to sing a hymn, you see, and the fat lady in front of me
got her dress all stuck up in the crack of her butt, so bein' as how I'm a
real gennulman an' all, well, I leaned forward and pulled it out for her.
And you know what?  She just turned around, hauled off and slugged me one!"

"Well," sez his buddy after he can talk again, "that shore 'nuff explains
one of 'em.  Howdja git th' other one?"

"Well," sez he, "like I said, I'm a gennulman, even when somebody does me
wrong, so when I saw she didn't like it like that, I stuck it back in."



Dawn Shotts                           /  )
[e-mail]           /  / __.  , , , ____
                                    /__/_(_/|_(_(_/_/ / <_
==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 15:35:08 EDT
From:         stu fors <[e-mail]>
Subject:      lawyer joke

what is the difference between a lawyer and a sperm cell?

a sperm cell has a one-in-800 million chance of being human
==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 12:27:28 PDT
From:         Marty Kuhrt <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Highway 101 (continued)

to which the officer replied, "I'm glad I stopped you now"
"why's that?", asked the driver.
"because you're on the transition to the 405!"
==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 15:52:22 EDT
From:         Jeffrey R Kell <[e-mail]>
Organization: University of Tennessee at Chattanooga
Subject:      Re: Nerd jokes
              29 Jul 1993 14:01:13 -0400 from <[e-mail]>

On Thu, 29 Jul 1993 14:01:13 -0400 Mike Thompson said:
>There are two kinds of people in this world - those that divide the world
>into two kinds of people and those that don't.

There are three kinds of people in this world - those that make things happen,
those that watch things happen, and those that wonder what happened.

One who knows how to make something work will always have a job.  One who
knows why it works will always be his boss.

/Jeff/
==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 16:30:32 -0400
From:         John Dunn <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Joke - Rated R

        Two cannibals cooked up a single victim for thier supper.
Since there was only one victim to split between them, they agreed that
one cannibal would start at the head of the victim, and the other at the
victim's feet.
        As they were eating - one cannibal asks th other:

                "How are you doing?"

To which the other replies"

                "I having a ball!"

The first cannibal yells,

                "Slow down, you're eating too fast!"

***************************************************************
You may have heard it before- but it's a good one.

John Dunn
University of New Hampshire.
==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 19:38:22 EDT
Comments:     Converted from PROFS to RFC822 format by PUMP V2.2X
From:         Dave Seitz <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Rated (G) for Great Joke!

Three older gentleman were living together, and all three
had Alzheimer's, which caused loss of memory, etc.

One morning, the first man gets up, takes a shower, and
forgets if he did wash his hair, or didn't. "Oh well, I'll
get back in and do it again!"

The second man is in the kitchen having coffee, and wonders
what's taking his friend so long. So he says to the third
guy, "I'll go up and check on him, you know, his memory and
all...." So he gets halfway up the stairs, and stops. "Now
what was I coming up here for anyway??????"

The third guy is at the table, sees whats going on, and
chuckles to himself. "Boy, glad I'm not as bad off as
those two, thank the lord, and knock on wood (tap tap)."

He pauses for a second, and then says "Gee, I wonder who's at
the door?"

-- Dave Seitz
==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 19:44:34 -0400
From:         Ian Alderman <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Bumpersticker (rude language)

Seen on ancient Chevy-Nova-that-got-hit-by-a-truck, "Shit Happens"
==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 20:34:59 EST
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Happy 50th, Mick

Q) Who were the most embarassed people in the world in 1966?

A) Mick Jagger's parents

Q) Who are the most embarassed people in the world in 1993?

A) Mick Jagger's children.
==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 17:47:13 -0700
From:         "S., James" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      political spoof

  forwarded
  ----------
  Recent postings on this august forum regarding US ambassadorial appointments to
  Africa has clearly demonstrated that sadly, there many folks out there who still
  insist on thinking with their skins in this day and age! Nature gave you heads,
  use them, if only occassionally (lest some cells start to atrophy...).

  Anyway, here is my (equal opportunity) "dream team" of some of my ambassadors...

  country               amabassador
  ======                ====
  France                Rev. Sharpton
  Iran          Pat Buchanan (surely, ayatolla Pat will be at home...)
  Israel                Andrew Young
  South Africa  Louis Farakhan (& coambassador to Israel)
  Russia                Jesse Jackson ('keep hope alive!')
  United Kingdom        Eddie Murphy  (the Brits are too frigid)
  Germany               Sammy Davis Jr (post-humously)
  Korea         Rodney King
  Japan         Coleman Young
  Iraq          Colin Powell
  Zaire         Michael Millken (it needs a financial genius besides Sese Seko)
  Phillipines   Charles Cheating, no I mean Keating
  Kenya         Ivan Boskey (yet another financial genius)
  Lebanon       Col. North
  Nicaragua     Elliot Abrahams
  Hell          Duke, the one from Louisiana...
  Bosnia/Serbia Jeff Darhmer & Rush Limbaugh

  There are still a few more countries that need ambassadors. Please submit your
  suggestions to africa-l. This list needs to be sent to congress real soon...

End of returned message
==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 17:48:28 -0700
From:         "S., James" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      operating systems

  ---------forwarded
               WHAT DRIVING TO THE STORE WOULD BE LIKE IF
                     OPERATING SYSTEMS RAN YOUR CAR

  MS-DOS: You get in the car and try to remember where you put your keys.

  Windows: You get in the car and drive to the store very slowly, because
  attached to the back of the car is a freight train.

  Macintosh System 7: You get in the car to go to the store, and the car
  drives you to church.

  UNIX: You get in the car and type GREP STORE.  After reaching speeds of 200
  miles per hour en route, you arrive at the barber shop.

  Windows NT: You get in the car and write a letter that says, "go to the
  store."  Then you get out of the car and mail the letter to your dashboard.

  Taligent/Pink: You walk to the store with Ricardo Montalban, who tells you
  how wonderful it will be when he can fly you to the store in his Learjet.

  OS/2: After fueling up with 6000 gallons of gas, you get in the car and
  drive to the store with a motorcycle escort and a marching band in
  procession.  Halfway there, the car blows up, killing everybody in town.

  S/36 SSP [mainframe, obv.]: You get in the car and drive to the store.
  Halfway there you run out of gas. While walking the rest of the way, you
  are run over by kids on mopeds.

  OS/400: An attendant locks you into the car and then drives you to the
  store, where you get to watch everybody else buy filet mignons.

  VAX/VMS: You use up tremendous amounts of gas to go very slowly and only
  getting to see and image of the store.

  ------- End of Forwarded Message


End of returned message
==========
Date:         Fri, 30 Jul 1993 08:13:11 BST
From:         Derryck Lamptey <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: operating systems

|               WHAT DRIVING TO THE STORE WOULD BE LIKE IF
|                     OPERATING SYSTEMS RAN YOUR CAR
|
|  MS-DOS: You get in the car and try to remember where you put your keys.
|

... etc...

What about some for:
        AmigaDOS
        CP/M
        Helios


Derryck.
==========
Date:         Fri, 30 Jul 1993 17:14:00 LCL
From:         David Evans <[e-mail]>
Subject:      The new army

Now that all forms of sexual discrimination have been removed from the Army,
the ranks are attracting all sorts.

At the Puckapunyal Military Camp recently a drill sergeant had a squad of
recruits lined up on the parade ground.

"From the right, number!" bawled the sergeant.

"One!"
"Two!"
"Three!"
"Four!"
"One!"

"Hold it, hold it right there!" screamed the sergeant. "You! You 'orrible
dozy idle little man, you!  You're not One, are you?"

"Yeth" lisped the recruit. "Are you one, two?"


David Evans
The sap in the family tree
==========
Date:         Fri, 30 Jul 1993 08:17:38 BST
From:         Derryck Lamptey <[e-mail]>
Subject:      unbelievable

Victorian book of etiquette (1800s)

"A gentleman should never offer a warm seat to a lady"

"A gentleman should never wear clothes of the colour brown in London town"

Derryck
==========
Date:         Fri, 30 Jul 1993 08:34:35 BST
From:         Derryck Lamptey <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Army (rather disgusting)

A general was visiting his troops out in the Gulf.
(He was known as the "Wire-brush" general) (WBG)

While visiting the sick bay, he met the men off-duty:

To the first one: How are you, young man?
        1)      Back ache, sir...
        wbg)    Will you have my wire-brush, or instant duty?
        1)      Wire-brush, sir.
        wbg)    (rubs the afflicted area)
                "Quick recovery, young man".

To the second one: How are you, young man?
        2)      Hemorrhoids, sir...
        wbg)    Will you have my wire-brush, or instant duty?
        2)      Wire-brush, sir.
        wbg)    (rubs the afflicted area)
                "Quick recovery, young man".


To the third one: How are you, young man?
        1)      Tooth ache, sir...
        wbg)    That does not seem too bad.. You can be court-martialled
                for evasion of duty, do you realise..
        3)      Yes, sir..
        wbg)    Will you have my wire-brush, or court-martial?
        1)      COURT MARTIAL, SIR!
==========
Date:         Fri, 30 Jul 1993 05:30:23 -0400
From:         Grady Lacy <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: bumpersticker

On Thu, 29 Jul 1993, Jeffrey R Kell wrote:

> On Thu, 29 Jul 1993 08:19:00 PDT Dawson, Margaret said:
> >I am slow, but I am ahead of you.
>
> Or "If you don't like my driving, call 1-800-EAT-SHIT"
                                         ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
I just this week read where someone said he had tried this number, and it
was always busy.  He finally got through, and heard a recorded
announcement that told him to dial 1-900-328-7448 (which translates into
1-900-EAT SHIT).  He said that calling this got him a recording of a male
voice repeating over and over "Eat Shit."  And a $5/min. charge!  I
haven't tried it myself, so I can't verify it.
==========
Date:         Fri, 30 Jul 1993 10:54:13 EDT
From:         Arthur Emerson III <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: operating systems

>
> |               WHAT DRIVING TO THE STORE WOULD BE LIKE IF
> |                     OPERATING SYSTEMS RAN YOUR CAR
> |
> |  MS-DOS: You get in the car and try to remember where you put your keys.
> |
>
> ... etc...
>
> What about some for:
>         AmigaDOS
>         CP/M
>         Helios
>
>
> Derryck.
>

AmigaDOS:  You get into the car and see a beautiful presentation of the
store. Then, as you pull out of the driveway, a "Guru Meditation Error"
message pops up and the car stops in the middle of the street.  There's
barely enough time to jump clear of the car before the Windows car, with
train in tow, plows into it at full speed.  [Agnes, Denise, and all of the
other neat chips die in the crash.]  You can catch details on your local
cable TV news at 6:00.

CP/M: [Runs only on mopeds.] You take your moped to the store and buy $500
worth of groceries.  Then, you realize that you have no way of getting
more than $64 worth of groceries home. As you're drafting plans for
a bigger moped, Microsoft steals your moped, paints it blue, and puts a
trailer hitch on it.  (They're still looking for the keys.)

TRS-DOS: Drives you through the woods to the nearest Radio Shack, because
it's never heard of any other store.

Apple-DOS, PRO-DOS:  You get onto a giant turtle and it brings you to the
nearest elementary school, passing the store along the way.

==========
Date:         Fri, 30 Jul 1993 16:24:37 +0100
From:         Bhushan Lakhe <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Some more starnge laws.....

------------------------------ Start of body part 1

Pl. refer to the attached


------------------------------ Start of body part 2

   DATE   FROM                   SUBJECT                            CODES
On the strange laws: ( these r English!)
--------------------
1. In England & Wales it is still illegal if you are a male over 16, NOT to
   practice archery on a Sunday.

2. Drivers of London Hansom Cabs (ie Black Cabs) are obliged to enquire whether
   you are suffering from diphtheria, bubonic plague, the pox etc.  They are
   also required to carry straw for their horses (?).

3. Anal intercourse, while legal for two men (consenting and both over 21),
   is illegal between a man and a woman.  However, to bring this to court
   would require a third party witness.  Exactly how he/she would witness
   this, distinguishing it from conventional intercourse is not very clear!

4. Also bloody ridiculous (thank God, no longer valid now - repealed only
   about seven years ago!) was the Defence of the Realm (Amendment Act)
   (DORA for short).  This decreed that pubs etc could only serve alcoholic
   beverages between the hours of 11:00 to 15:00 and 17:30 to 23:00 Monday
   to Saturday (sunday was stricter still).

   This gem was brought in during the 1st World War (to the Yanks, that's
   the one they didn't join in) to stop munitions workers blowing themselves
   up after getting pissed in the afternoon.  The far-sighted government of
   the time applied it to everyone in the land, not just munitions workers.

   Better yet, the government liked it so much that they kept it on the
   statute books until the late 1980's, causing untold confusion and
   disbelief from visitors from abroad.


------------------------------ End of body part 2
==========
Date:         Fri, 30 Jul 1993 09:03:07 PDT
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was
              [e-mail]
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Life  2.1     A collection of clean humor gather seven years ago

-----------------------------------------------------------------

"Right-handed people think with the left side of their brains;  left-handed
people think with the right side of their brains.  Therefore left-handed
people are the only ones operating in their right minds."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

From yesterday's Chron:
"The structures threatened by the fire had included List's family ranch and the
homes of Nevada Attorney General Richard Bryan, Manchester, N.H., Union
Leader Publisher [capitalization theirs] William Loeb and several millionaire
ranchers, developers and social parasites."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Caption on a picture in an article about wildlife photos:

BLACK BEAR
The black bear used to be one of the most commonly seen large animals because
in Yosemite and Sequoia national parks they lived off of garbage and tourist
handouts.  This bear has learned to open car doors in Yosemite, where damage
to automobiles caused by bears runs into the tens of thousands of dollars
a year.  Campaigns to bearproof all garbage containers in wild areas have
been difficult, because as one biologist put it, "There is a considerable
overlap between the intelligence levels of the smartest bears and the dumbest
tourists."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

A couple of weeks ago, on the steps of Boston City Hall, I heard a couple
of fellows calling out: "Generic stickers, 50 cents! Generic stickers, 50
cents!" Sure enough, they had a supply of stickers, white background, black
block letters: "GENERIC STICKER".

-----------------------------------------------------------------

I held technical talks with my 14-year-old nephew, who is heavy into programming
games on his IBM personal computer.  I tried to impress him with how superior
the XEROX programming environment is, but he shot back:  "Heck, the only
programming environment I need is a pile of chocolate-chip cookies and a glass of milk!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Here are some items adapted from the amusing British "Book of Heroic Failures"
by Stephen Pile:

THE WORST HOMING PIGEON
        This historic bird was released in Pembrokeshire in June 1953 and was
expected to reach its base that evening.  It was returned by post, dead, in a
cardboard box eleven years later from Brazil.

THE WORST ANIMAL RESCUE
        During the firemen's strike of 1978, the British Army had taken over
emergency firefighting and on 14 January they were called out by an elderly
lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped up a tree.
They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their duty.  So grateful
was the lady that she invited them all in for tea.  Driving off later, with fond
farewells completed, they ran over the cat and killed it.

THE WORST HIJACKING
        We shall never know the identity of the man who in 1976 made the most
unsuccessful hijack attempt ever.  On a flight across America, he rose from his
seat, drew a gun and took the stewardess hostage.
        "Take me to Detroit," he demanded.
        "We're already going to Detroit," she replied.
        "Oh ... good," he said, and sat down again.

THE WORST BANK ROBBERY
        In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of
Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors.  They had to
be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone, sheepishly left the
building.
        A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of
robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them.  When they demanded
5,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them, convinced that it was a
practical joke.
        Then one of the men jumped over the counter, but fell to the floor
clutching his ankle.  The other two tried to make their getaway, but got trapped
in the revolving doors again.
==========
Date:         Fri, 30 Jul 1993 12:20:36 CST
From:         Terrie McMillan <[e-mail]>
Organization: University of Arkansas
Subject:      CHOW BABY

I have really really really really really really enjoyed being a
member of this list.  However, I am no longer going to be a slave to
this system. ;)   I will not be seeing you in EMAIL land any more so
have a wonderful life and please always remember that laughter is the
best medicine!  CHOW BABY!

Terrie
Terrie McMillan
*************************
==========
Date:         Fri, 30 Jul 1993 13:07:00 CDT
From:         Mike Weatherred <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Bad news/Good news

I've got bad news and good news.  Bad news is that Rush Limbaugh is going to
have to have an emergency liposuction.  The good news is that they are going
to make him a shelter for the Midwest flood victims.

==========
Date:         Fri, 30 Jul 1993 14:14:44 EDT
From:         Paul Yanik <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Punch line

Does anybody know the punchline to a joke that starts out:

        "A guys walks into a bar with a midget under one arm
        and a porcupine under the other..."
==========
Date:         Fri, 30 Jul 1993 14:28:31 EDT
Comments:     Converted from PROFS to RFC822 format by PUMP V2.2X
From:         Dave Seitz <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Punch line

No, but here is another one:

A guy walks in to a bar, wearing dark glasses, and carrying a white
cane. He also has a seeing-eye dog with him, and is twirling the
dog around in circles, over his head!

The bartender is watching all of this, and after a minute,
walks over to the guy, and asks "Can I get you anything
from the bar?" The blind guy, continuing to spin the dog
over his head, says "No thanks, just looking around."

-- Dave Seitz
==========
Date:         Fri, 30 Jul 1993 13:29:00 CDT
From:         Mike Weatherred <[e-mail]>
Subject:      another bar joke

From Howie Mandel  ''Fits Like a Glove'' tape...

These two guys walk into a bar, which is really stupid, right? 'cuz you
figure if the first guy walked right into it the second guy woulda seen
it....


Mike Weatherred
Kansas State University
Bitnet:  CUBSFAN@KSUVM
Internet: [e-mail]

''Directions from K-State to KU:  East till you smell it, south till you
step in it.''
==========
Date:         Fri, 30 Jul 1993 13:40:00 -0500
From:         David D Molina <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Punch line

No, but here is, yet, another one...

A man and his dog walk into a bar.  The man orders a beer for himself and a
bowl of water for his dog. The bartender looks down at the dog and says,
"Hey mister, did you notice your dog doesn't have any legs?"  The man
replies, "Yeah."  "Oh," says the bartender, "What's your dog's name, anyway?"
The man says, "He doesn't have a name."  "Why?" asks the bartender."  The
man replies, "Well, why?  If I call him, he can't come."
==========
Date:         Fri, 30 Jul 1993 13:54:17 CDT
From:         "Kevan L. Moore" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      C string joke

Some experience in programming C is necessary to understand this joke.

Two strings walk into a bar and sit down.  The bartender steps up and
asks "What'll it be?".  One string says "I'll have a beerfquS#N#*;w23
324tjj92*$|(j@#0~!RH@P(#R B(WR*S&@#*$Y_@!*@!HR# WEHhwe(#!**(#GH@Y^#
#@8_@#3-%*98QW*#Q)_(#%!~+@~)+)(#EGED+)B*+C(SX(vb=$8ew+@#TJ+@(#$J".

The other string says, "you'll have to excuse my friend here. he's
not nul-terminated."

klm
==========
Date:         Fri, 30 Jul 1993 15:00:32 EDT
From:         "Sammie L. Foss" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      legless dog

I heard that one, but the man replied:
"My dog's name is Cigarette."
Bartender:  "Why did you name him that?"
Man:  "Because every morning I take him out for a DRAG."
==========
Date:         Fri, 30 Jul 1993 15:08:16 -0400
From:         "Russell, Lise" <[e-mail]>

Yes, I know this is bad, but I haven't been able to sign off the conventional
way.  Please don't flame me and sign me off.

Tx, L_Russell
==========
Date:         Fri, 30 Jul 1993 16:27:55 -0400
From:         Ian Chai <[e-mail]>
Subject:      splitting grammar

  "I think that people who claim that it is incorrect to split
  infinitives in English forget that it is usage that defines
  the language and not academics who make up rules.

  "I urge you therefore to boldly split infinitives."

                                - me
==========
Date:         Fri, 30 Jul 1993 18:45:09 -0500
From:         "I thought therefore I was." <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Amiga-Dos.

Date sent:  30-JUL-1993 18:40:20

AMIGADOS : You drive a Ferrari to the store, and while inside a Apple salesman
           tells everyone that his rusted-out nova is can get you there in
           better style.  The salesman also offers his nova for 'ONLY' twice
           the cost of the Ferrari.

        I know this may sound stupid, but I'm tired and everything looks
        funny to me. :)

================
                     [e-mail]
   The fault lies not with putting a fool in charge,  the fault lies in
   leaving him in charge.
                          -Ghengis Khan
================
==========
Date:         Fri, 30 Jul 1993 22:43:05 -0600
From:         Les Pourciau at Memphis State <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Sign

Seen in a restaurant in Atlanta, GA.

        We don't serve women here;
        You have to bring your own.

==========
Date:         Fri, 30 Jul 1993 23:23:41 -0700
From:         Linda White <[e-mail]>
Subject:      The Plan (cleaned up as to language)

I received this in the mail. I don't know who wrote it.

In the Beginning was The Plan
And then came the Assumptions
And the Assumptions were without form
And the Plan was completely without substance
And the darkness was upon the face of the Workers
And the Workers spoke amongst themselves, saying
"It is a crock of s..., and it stinketh."
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and sayeth,
"It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof."
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them,
"It is a container of excrement and it is very strong,
     such that none may abide by it."
And the Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth,
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying one to another,
"It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth unto them,
"It promotes growth and is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went unto the President and sayeth unto him,
"This new Plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this
     Company, and in these Areas in particular."
And the President looked upon The Plan,
And saw that it was good, and The Plan became Policy.
And this is how S... Happens.
==========
Date:         Sat, 31 Jul 1993 10:55:38 +0000
From:         KondrotasS <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Nationalities' Jokes

In the former Soviet Union, like in most countries perhaps, all nationalities
were subject to all kinds of jokes. Stubborn Ukrainians, people from the Middle
Asia (in a loose translation called "charcoal"), and from Far North (all called
"choukcha") were regarded as the most stupid.
Here is a joke about a young Ukrainian who was recruited to military service.
One day he is on duty guarding an army warehouse and there shows up his mother,
who just came visiting her son. She closes on him with her hands spred and
shouting his name loudly: "Mikola! Mikola!" The guy is glad she came and also
shouts "Mamo, mamo!" (Ukrainian way to call mother).
But then he remebers his duty and says "Stop! Password!" His mother doesn't
stop, however, and keeps running towards him: "Mikola! Mikola!"
Now Mikola gets real concerned. He raises his weapon and gives a warning shot
into the air. But this doesn't stop his mother so after a while he just points
and shoots her down.
A month or two later, Mikola is on his guarding duty again. Proudly he spits
and polishes his new medal with a sleeve and says to himself in a dreamlike
manner: "I hope that soon papa comes visiting, too".
==========
Date:         Sat, 31 Jul 1993 13:31:35 IST
From:         John Bastian/Johnny <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Dah Ayteen botthils

                        The Eighteen Bottles

    I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my
wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or
else...  I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.  I
withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the
sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.  I then withdrew
the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the
exception of one glass, which I drank.  I then withdrew the cork from
the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank.  I
pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the
bottle down the glass, which I drank.  I pulled the bottle from the
cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down
the glass.  I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork
down the bottle.  Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the
drink and drank the pour.  When I had everything emptied, I steadied
the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks
with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I
counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle,
which I drank.  I'm not under tha affluence of incohol as some tinkle
peep I am.  I'm not half as thunk as you might drink.  I fool so
feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the
longer I get.
                                      -- Author unknown

---------------------------------------------------------
If scientists were asked to run democracy , they'd probably
experiment it first on animals.
---------------------------------------------------------
==========
Date:         Sat, 31 Jul 1993 10:49:30 EST
From:         Sara Rummelhart <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Turk/Armenian humor <crude>

These two guys - one a Turk, one Armenian are going to a private
spot were they can fight to death without having the local police
break up the fight.  They are wandering down the road when the Turk
finds a bottle. He picks it up and dusts it off and *WHOOOSH* a
genie appears.

"Thank you for setting me free - I shall grant you three wishes,
but I shall give this other man twice what I give you."

So the Turk asks first for a big house and 100 acres of prime land.
"You understand that your Armenian friend will get double?" "Yes,"
he says... *boom* (large house appears).

"Your second wish...?"

"I want 50 18 - 20 year old women who I can do whatever I want
with" "Wow, your friend will have 100 though??" "Yes, I understand
- just do it!" he says.

*boom* -- they're surrounded by gorgeous women..

"And your final wish...?"

"Please remove one of my testicles..."

==========
Date:         Sat, 31 Jul 1993 11:25:54 -0400
From:         Susan Jennings <[e-mail]>
Subject:      FOR LIBERATED WOMEN ONLY!

>                      CHAIN LETTER FOR WOMEN ONLY!!!!!!!!
>
>       This letter was started by a woman like yourself, in the hopes of
>bringing relief to other tired and discontented women.
>
>       Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost you anything.
>Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally
>frustated.  Then, bundle up your husband or boyfriend, send him to the
>woman whose name appears at the top of this list and add your name at the
>bottom of the list.
>
>       When you name comes to the top of the list, you will receive
> 16,877 men............one of them is bound to be a hell of a lost better
>than the one you already have.
>
>       DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN.  One woman broke the chain and got her own
>son-of-a-bitch back.  At this writing, a friend of mine already received
>184 men.  They buried her yesterday, but it took three undertakers 36 hours
>to get the smile off her face, and two days to get her legs together, so
>they could close the coffin.
>
>       Hurry up and sedn this letter along, so my name can move up fast.
>
>
>                                       THE LIBERATED WOMAN
>
==========
Date:         Sat, 31 Jul 1993 11:27:46 EDT
From:         Bill Edwards <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Political humor

Political humor via *The Santa Cruz Comic News*
---(Mike Smith)---
Barbara Bush: The deficit, health care, education, Bosnia,
Somalia.  You really left poor Bill Clinton a mess.
George Bush: I know.

---(Feiffer)---
Envy
Has given me a sense of purpose
A motive to compete
And the drive to climb to the top.
If I didn't have envy,
I wouldn't have power
And I wouldn't be envied
By everybody else whose sense of purpose
Motivates them to compete with me
And climb to the top.
Trust envy.
It makes the system work.

---(S. Kelley)---
Two people sitting on a park bench.
Gentleman: Mind if I smoke?
Lady: Mind if I blow asbestos dust in your face?

Her husband smoked four packs a day,
In a sense so did she you might say,
  Her coughing grew chronic,
  Some called it ironic,
When she and not he passed away.

---(Kirk)---
Men picketing with signs which say, "Freedom from
Discrimination" and "Equal Opportunity * Jobs * Housing."
Man tells wife: Those gays are demanding special treatment
from us.

---(Wasserman)---
Schools need to teach you kids hard work, discipline.
And the fact that you can't get something for nothing.
How will you pay for this education?
State-run gambling.

---(Toles)---
Yeltsin: We're having problems switching to capitalism.  The
troublis that all our capitalists are criminals, breaking all
our laws.
Uncle Sam: That's just an early stage of capitalism.
Eventually they become powerful enough to rewrite the laws.

Clinton: We have to share the sacrifice and that means the
rich will have to pay their share too.
Republican: Why?
Clinton: They have to remember that they're members of this
society just like everybody else.
Republican: Says who?
Clinton: We can't continue stealing from our kids for current
prosperity.
Republican: Why not?
Reagan: My kids never liked me much anyway.

Reporter: Clinton is failing because he's unwilling to stikc
with a principle and risk alienating people.
Reporter: No, wait ... He's failing because he's sticking with
gays in the military, unwillingto bend to public opinion.
Reporter: No, wait ... because he's trying too hard to please
women's groups with the Attorney General's job.
Reporter: No ... because he's angering women's groups with the
Attorney General's job.
Reporter: No ... he's failing because he's unable to shift the
focus away from his problems onto his agenda.
Clinton:  About my agenda ...
Reporter: Oh sure ... now he's trying to avoid answering the
charges against him byt only talkinga bout his agenda. This is
a failure in the making, if I have anything to say about it.


==========
Date:         Sat, 31 Jul 1993 23:56:47 EST
From:         Joe Mole <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Who's Socrates <The Mulla's answer>

WHO WAS SOCRATES?

  One day one of the Mulla's disciples ask him, "Who was Socrates?"

  Nasrudin replied: "Socrates was a Greek who went around telling
everybody what's right and what's wrong so they poisoned him."
==========
Date:         Sun, 1 Aug 1993 05:42:45 -0400
From:         Bert Headrick <[e-mail]>
Subject:      PG-13 -- May be mildly offensive to some..

Subject: PG-13 -- May be mildly offensive to some..
A bored housewife in suburbia is entertaining her lover in bed one
day as, unknown to them, her nine-year-old son is taking it all in
from her bedroom closet.  As luck would have it, the husband
arrives home unexpectedly from the office and the surprised wife
shoves her lover into the closet.

Son says to lover, "Sure is dark in here, isn't it?"  After jumping
out of his skin and crawling back in, the lover replied that it was.
"Would you like to buy a flashlight?" asks the boy.  The lover said
he didn't think so.  "Sure would be bad if dad found out about
this," observed the boy.  The lover enquired as to how much the
boy wanted for the flashlight and agreed to pay the $25.00 price.

Two weeks later, same housewife, same lover, same boy in the
closet when husband again arrives home unexpectedly.  Wife
shoves lover into closet and son says, "Sure is dark in here, isn't
it?  Would you like to buy a fishing rod?"  The lover agrees to pay
the $50. price for the boy's fishing rod and his silence.

Weekend arrives and father asks son if he would like to go fishing.
Son replies, "Can't, dad; sold my fishing rod."  Dad says, "That old
thing?  How much did you get for it?"  When the son told him
$50., dad proceeds to give him a stern lecture on morality and
ethics and demands that he go to confession that very day.

The son goes into this big church, enters the confessional, and
pulls the curtain closed.  He says, "Sure is dark in here, isn't it?"
The priest replied, "Oh no, we're not going through that again!"


Regards,
BERT HEADRICK, HEALTH SCIENCE, BROCKVILLE
==========
Date:         Sun, 1 Aug 1993 10:08:16 EST
From:         Herman Archie <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Sunday humor

Enough to make agnostics of us all.

I don't believe in atheists!

Thank god I'm an atheist

And we don't believe in you!

If you believe in nothing, it believes in you.

Wade is an agnostic, but that doesn't really matter.

It also possible some of us no do grammar too good niether.

"Sarcasm...,We don't get much of that around these parts"
==========
Date:         Sun, 1 Aug 1993 14:07:02 EDT
From:         Bill Edwards <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Limbaugh satire (rudeness alert)

One of Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths

35) You should thank God for making you an American; and instead of
     feeling guilty about it, help spread our ideas worldwide.

However, only WASPs need attempt to immigrate to the USA (unmarried
women over the age of 29 should be strictly prohibited in all cases).
:-) Unmarried women under the age of 30 wishing to immigrate into the
USA should be given the Rush Limbaugh Test.

The Rush Limbaugh Test consist of showing the young woman a suitable
full-length photograph of Rush Limbaugh with the following choices:

___ (A) I am ready to marry this man (or one of his chosen followers);

___ (B) I find this man sexually attractive;

___ (C) If he is rich and gives me lots of money, I will have sex with
        him;

___ (D) even if this fat guy were rich, I wouldn't consider holding
        hands with him;

___ (E) he reminds me of an uncle who never got married, if you know
        what I mean.

The young ladies who answer A or B will be admitted to the USA. The
unattractive feminists who answer D or E should be held in detention
until they can be sold to ugly Arabs as third and fourth wives. The
prostitutes who answer C should be given green cards and should be
allowed to re-take the test every year until they are 30 at which time
the failures will be deported to Amsterdam or Marseille were they should
be able to find additional work without the hazard of having to look at
a picture of Rush Limbaugh every year.

(Note for international members: Rush Limbaugh is a fat, rich Republican
who has a 3 hour daily radio talk show and an half hour daily television
talk show on USA media--one of his main sponsors is a learn-to-read
course called "Hooked on Phonics" & WASPs are White Anglo-Saxon
Protestants).

==========
Date:         Sun, 1 Aug 1993 15:18:00 EST
From:         "Shirley D. Kennedy [phone]" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      tent preacher (cute)

Old-fashioned tent revival meeting.  Fire-breathing preacher pacing back
and forth, pounding on Bible, roaring at the crowd...

"Brother and sisters, if there is anyone among you today who has committed
adultery, may his tongue cweeve to the woof of his mouf."

(Read it out loud.  Makes better oral than written humor.)

Shirl
[e-mail]
==========
Date:         Sun, 1 Aug 1993 16:51:02 -0400
From:         Amy Ward <[e-mail]>
Subject:      LAST QUAYLE JOKE (fwd)

          It  was the  sad duty of  the President's long time friend, James
          Baker, to break the  bad  news  to  him  late Election night last
          November. He walked into the  Oval Office at about 2:00 a.m.  and
          found   the  President  and   Vice  President  Quayle  there."Mr.
          President" he intoned, "by  the looks of  the early returns, exit
          interviews and all other data we  can assemble, it looks like you
          will lose  the election. It seems certain that  Bill Clinton will
          be  the next President of the United States." Bush took the news
          quietly and with dignity. Then Dan Quayle piped up, "So, how  did
          I do?"
==========
Date:         Sun, 1 Aug 1993 22:08:00 EST
From:         "Shirley D. Kennedy [phone]" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      no gnus...

--Boundary (ID /7bvgoXkwgCWFoFOfCQNaA)
Content-type: TEXT/PLAIN


--Boundary (ID /7bvgoXkwgCWFoFOfCQNaA)
Content-type: MESSAGE/RFC822

Date: Sun, 1 Aug 1993 14:27:00 EST
Subject: No gnus is good gnus
Sender: Computer-assisted Reporting & <[e-mail]>
To: Multiple recipients of list CARR-L <[e-mail]>
Content-type: TEXT/PLAIN
Posting-date: Sun, 1 Aug 1993 00:00:00 EST
Importance: normal
A1-format:
A1-type: MAIL


Just because it is Sunday  :-)

=========  Forwarded  Message  ======
Date: Wed, 28 Jul 1993 21:42:02 -0500
Sender: [e-mail]
Subject: no gnus is gud knews



Mother Lion and Father Lion had gone off hunting, and had told
their two children not to wander away.  However, a couple of
small gnus wandered by, and the baby lions could not resist the
temptation to try out their own hunting skills.  They ran out,
chased after the gnus, killed them, and started eating them.

Just as the baby lions were reaching the end of their meal, the
parents appeared in the distance.  One of the baby lions turned
to the other, and said:

"That is the end of the gnus.  Here again are the head lions."
Peter Moylan
(ohmygod--Ed)
---------------

Marsha Woodbury      [e-mail]    U of Illinois/Urbana-Champaign

--Boundary (ID /7bvgoXkwgCWFoFOfCQNaA)--
==========
Date:         Sat, 31 Jul 1993 20:05:41 EDT
Comments:     Converted from PROFS to RFC822 format by PUMP V2.2X
From:         Dave Seitz <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Parachute Joke

A man was taking his first parachute jump. He exited the
plane right on cue, took his first few minutes of free-fall,
pulled his rip-cord, and the chute didn't open! He looked
for the backup chute cord, but couldn't find it! By then he
was in a total panic. In looking down at the ground, which
was fast approaching, he saw the most amazing thing. A middle-
aged woman was blasting up from the ground toward him!

As they got closer, the man shouted "Hey, do you know
anything about parachutes? Mine won't open!!!!!" The
lady shouted back, "No, sorry. Do you know anything
about gas-stoves? Mine won't light!!!"

-- Dave Seitz
==========
Date:         Mon, 2 Aug 1993 10:44:35 +0000
From:         KondrotasS <[e-mail]>
Subject:      an exerpt...

An exerpt from the speach delivered to the Lithuanian parlament by the
president of the Central Bank there:

"... all these people, breathing Lithuanian air, driving on Lithuanian
highways, they should feel obliged to do something for the country's budget!"

-- Saulius Kondrotas, Munich
==========
Date:         Mon, 2 Aug 1993 11:26:50 +0000
From:         KondrotasS <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Psycho

During the Soviet years in Lithuania, there was a guy Romas Kalanta who burned
himself to death in protest to the Communist regime. The official reaction at
that time was that the guy's insane. Now, with Communists gone, a special
commision was formed to prove that Kalanta (who has become a national hero) was
sane and all right. So the commision (made of psichiatric experts) unburried
the 10 years old remains, examined them, and presented a official report that
Kalanta was in his own mind when he passed away. No problem.
==========
Date:         Mon, 2 Aug 1993 11:07:30 BST
From:         Derryck Lamptey <[e-mail]>
Subject:      British army.

Apparently, an old british recruitment slogan for the army was:


"Join the army, travel the world.
        Meet new peoples, and then kill them"
==========
Date:         Mon, 2 Aug 1993 14:37:32 +0000
From:         KondrotasS <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Nationality Jokes

A man from the Far North (those people used to be called "choukcha" as I have
mentioned) comes to Moscow, to a conference of the Soviet Writers' Union.
Upon seeing him, a Russian participant expressed his surprise: "What are you
doing here? You barely can read, I guess!?"
And the choukcha answered: "It's the writers' conference, I suppose, not
readers'."
==========
Date:         Mon, 2 Aug 1993 14:22:25 BST
From:         Derryck Lamptey <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Car names...

Anyone care to add some??

Names often mean different things in different languages:

e.g

(CARS)
        Vauxhaul Nova:  In spanish, NoVa means "it won't go"

        Rolls Royce
          Silver Mist:  In Deutch Mist, is supposed to mean "dung"


Anymore??

Derryck.
==========
Date:         Mon, 2 Aug 1993 12:23:56 -0400
From:         Alex Tsekhansky <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Rules for PASSWORD SELECTION

/Gateways/Usenet/rec/humor/funny/RULES FOR THE SELECTION OF PASSWORDS
6939.3.3218.1 RULES FOR THE SELECTION OF PASSWORDS
7/3/92 16:30 61/2781 [e-mail] (Frans Meulenbroeks)
Lines 1 to 61 of 61 (100%)
-----
[Got this one from Piet Verbruggen. I think it is funny and instructive!]

CORPORATE DIRECTIVE NUMBER 88-570471

In order to increase the security of all company computing facilities,
and to avoid the possibility of unauthorized use of these facilities,
new rules are being put into effect concerning the selection of
passwords.  All users of computing facilities are instructed to change
their passwords to conform to these rules immediately.

RULES FOR THE SELECTION OF PASSWORDS:

1.  A password must be at least six characters long, and must not
contain two occurrences of a character in a row, or a sequence of two or
more characters from the alphabet in forward or reverse order.  Example:
HGQQXP is an invalid password.  GFEDCB is an invalid password.

2.  A password may not contain two or more letters in the same position
as any previous password.  Example:  If a previous password was GKPWTZ,
then NRPWHS would be invalid because PW occurs in the same position in
both passwords.

3.  A password may not contain the name of a month or an abbreviation
for a month.  Example:  MARCHBC is an invalid password.  VWMARBC is an
invalid password.

4.  A password may not contain the numeric representation of a month.
Therefore, a password containing any number except zero is invalid.
Example:  WKBH3LG is invalid because it contains the numeric
representation for the month of March.

5.  A password may not contain any words from any language.  Thus, a
password may not contain the letters A, or I, or sequences such as AT,
ME, or TO because these are all words.

6.  A password may not contain sequences of two or more characters which
are adjacent to each other on a keyboard in a horizontal, vertical, or
diagonal direction.  Example:  QWERTY is an invalid password.  GHNLWT is
an invalid password because G and H are horizontally adjacent to each
other.  HUKWVM is an invalid password because H and U are diagonally
adjacent to each other.

7.  A password may not contain the name of a person, place, or thing.
Example:  JOHNBOY is an invalid password.

Because of the complexity of the password selection rules, there is
actually only one password which passes all the tests.  To make the
selection of this password simpler for the user, it will be distributed
to all supervisors.  All users are instructed to obtain this password
from his or her supervisor and begin using it immediately.

----
==========
Date:         Mon, 2 Aug 1993 10:48:52 -0600
From:         Chester Hodges <[e-mail]>

There was a farmer who had three daughters.
One night A man came to the door.
He said, "Hi I'm Freedy I'm here to take Betty to eat spaghetti."  So Freddy
left with Betty.
Another man came to the door.
He said, "Hi I'm Lou I'm here to take Sue to the zoo."  So Lou left with Sue.
A third man came to the doo.
He said "Hi, I'm Chuck...." And the farmer shot him.
==========
Date:         Mon, 2 Aug 1993 13:06:50 -0400
From:         Sharon Rondeau <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Lines from Stand-up Comics

David Seinfeld: People's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is
death. This means, to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral,
you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

Denis Leary: Nonsmokers love these little facts...Smoking takes 10 years
off your life. Well, it's the ten worst years, isn't it folks? The ones at
the end! It's the wheelchair, the adult diaper, kidney dialysis years. You
can have 'em!

Tim Allen: If it ain't broke, you probably still can fix it.

Rita Rudner: In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

George Burns: I get up every morning and read the obituary column. If my
name's not there, I eat breakfast.

Paula Poundstone: I dont' like sex. The only way I could get married is if I
married a Mormon, so there'd be enough wives and someone could take my shift.

Janeane Garofalo: My hell will be the Stairmaster ring of Dante's Inferno.

Dennis Miller: Manson kills 14 people and he's on TV more than I am.

SNL: Weekend Update...The first 1800 US troops sent into Somalia today have
just been eaten. More on that as it develops.

Jay Leno: In Connecticut, a prisoner on death row has gone on a hunger
strike...here's a problem that pretty much takes care of itself.

Richard Jeni: X-rated movies should be called Stuff That Never Happens to
You Ever.

Richard Belzer: You know you're at a 90's party when someone says, "I heard
this great book."

Elayne Boosler: I tried Slim-Fast. A delicious shake in the morning, then
migraines and diarrhea for the rest of the day.

Richard Lewis: You don't want to be in bed with somebody who says, "I'll
race you to sleep."

Louie Anderson: When you're getting pulled over, where do you pull over?
Somebody said, "Pull over to a safe spot." So, I drove home.

Gallagher: I know why God made babies cute...so we won't kill 'em.

George Wallace: There should be an airline for fat people. The motto:
"Doing our best to get your big ass off the ground."
==========
Date:         Mon, 2 Aug 1993 18:08:20 BST
From:         Derryck Lamptey <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Fortran code..

Spotted hidden in around 75,000 lines of fortran code:

......
      CALL ReadChar(InFile,'FBUM',FBUM,ErrNo)   <<<
      CALL ReadChar(InFile,'FPAR',FPAR,ErrNo)
      CALL ReadChar(InFile,'FSLUT',FSLUT,ErrNo) <<<
      CALL ReadChar(InFile,'FBSF',FBSF,ErrNo)

.....

Derryck.
==========
Date:         Mon, 2 Aug 1993 13:42:05 EST
From:         ROBERT RYAN <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Diving-n-Drinking Monkey (sexual content)

The other day there was a strange accident on the local interstate,
where the only survivor was a monkey. A man and a woman were found
in the back seat dead.  The state trooper at the scene, commented
to his partner, while looking at the monkey "If that monkey could
talk, we would know what happened here".  The monkey suddenly
started shaking his head up and down, as if to say "I CAN I CAN".
The state trooper walked over to the monkey and said "Do you
understand me".  The monkey started shaking his head up and down
vigorously. The state trooper could not believe his eyes, but asked
the monkey "What happened here ?". The monkey pantomimed holding a
bottle up to his lips.  The state trooper asked "Where they
drinking". Up and down the monkey's head went repeatedly.  "What
else can you tell me?" said the trooper.  The monkey held his index
finger and middle finger to his lips.  "Where they smoking dope?"
Yes yes yes motioned the monkey. "What else" said the trooper.  The
monkey took his index finger and plunged it back and forth through
a circle formed by his other hand. "They were screwing" said the
trooper.  The trooper looked back at his partner and said "What I
don't understand is who was driving?".  The monkey took hold of
the steering wheel, turned his head looking back over his right
shoulder with a big grin on his face.
==========
Date:         Mon, 2 Aug 1993 13:43:27 EDT
From:         ADKO000 Kathleen Olivier - Computer Center <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Idea-Mildly sexual Text-Clean

What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac
and a housewife?

The prostitute says "Are you through yet?" while the
nymphomaniac says "Is that all there is?" and the
housewife says "Beige.....I think I'll paint the ceiling
beige."
==========
Date:         Mon, 2 Aug 1993 13:55:00 -05
From:         Sara Kendall <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Lawyer joke

You know why lawyers don't eat pretzels?

Because the salt makes them shrivel up.

Sara Kendall [e-mail]
==========
Date:         Mon, 2 Aug 1993 17:18:00 EST
From:         "Shirley D. Kennedy [phone]" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      another lion joke (bad pun/bad word)

Speaking of lion jokes:

A mighty lion escaped from the zoo.  He rampaged.  He frightened
the populace.  He ate an editor, but people still wanted him
caught.  Then he ate a prostitute and fell asleep.

Waking up in his cage, he groggily asked "What happened?"

"Don't you know?" asked his lioness.  "That was a bar bitch
you ate."

                                        -- Ken Laws

(As told to my brother, more or less, by a nun at his nursing school.)
==========
Date:         Mon, 2 Aug 1993 19:58:34 MST
From:         Brian Rawlings <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Creation of Black Holes

    A black hole is what happens when God divides by zero.
==========
Date:         Mon, 2 Aug 1993 22:17:19 EDT
From:         Bill <[e-mail]>
Subject:      American political humor

Political humor via *The Santa Cruz Comic News*

---(Kirschen)---
American: Just a few years ago Russia was a real threat to the
West.
American: And now we've got practically nothing to fear from
Moscow.
Voice of doubt: Uh ... what do you mean practically nothing to
fear.
American: I mean ... other than their trying to borrow money
from us.

---(Toles)---
The West: Fiercely independent region of the US, where the
proud traditions of welfare logging, welfare mining and
welfare ranching continue to this very day. Defenders of the
great democratic principle: one man, two senators. (Sign:
Federal Lands--Taxpayer subsidized).

---(Kirk)---
Reagan: And if we hadn't supported rapists, murderers and
torturers in El Salvador, the country could have been taken
over by communists!

---(unknown)---
Why the Senator is named Sam Nunn:
How many homosexuals should be allowed in the military? Nunn.
How many homosexuals should be allowed to be teachers? Nunn.
How many of your friends are homosexuals? Nunn.

==========
Date:         Tue, 3 Aug 1993 09:40:15 +0000
From:         KondrotasS <[e-mail]>
Subject:      To Lorelei E. Peters

You can't signoff from this list, ever! Nobody can. That's the humor.
==========
Date:         Tue, 3 Aug 1993 10:04:08 +0000
From:         KondrotasS <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Apocalypses Now

Maybe it's not that funny at all. I was sitting with my coffee this morning and
looking at the casualty insurers' financial ranking tables when it occured to
me that, in fact, what I am looking at is a proof the society as a whole has
become secular. For if people believed in God, they would have to believe in
Apocalypses, too. And if they believed in Apocalypses they would surely try to
get insured against it. The casualty insurers would perform better and so would
my stock. We definitelly should do something to improve that religious
education.

-- Saul (Munich)
==========
Date:         Tue, 3 Aug 1993 05:56:34 EST
From:         Joe Mole <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Allegory <Mulla>

UNDERSTANDING ALLEGORY

  Nasrudin is sitting among a circle of discipline, when one of
them asks him the relationship between things of this world and
things of a different dimension.  Nasrudin says, "You must
understand allegory."  The disciple says, "Show me something
practical--for instance an apple from Paradise."

  Nasrudin picks up an apple and hands it to the man.  "But this
apple is bad on one side," cries the disciple, "surely a heavenly
apple would be perfect."

  "A Celestial apple would be perfect," says Nasrudin, "but as far
as you are able to judge it, situated as we are in this abode of
corruption, and with your present faculties, this is as near to a
heavenly apple as you will ever get."
==========
Date:         Tue, 3 Aug 1993 10:32:51 GMT
From:         lory <[e-mail]>
Subject:      two cats

there are two man and two cats.
One man says: i want this cat but how can i acknowledge my cat tomorrow?
The other man answers: We could make a color sign up your cat|
-"No it is not a good idea"
-"We could cut an ear at your cat|"
-"No it is not a good idea"
-"We could cut the tail at your cat|"
-"No it is not a good idea"
-"We could cut a leg|"
-"No it is not a good idea"
-"We could cut the tongue|"
-"No it is not a good idea"
Now the first man is very furious, he takes away a cat and he shouts:
"STOP| I TAKE THE WHITE CAT AND YOU TAKE THE BLACK CAT||||".


email: [e-mail]
==========
Date:         Tue, 3 Aug 1993 10:46:30 BST
From:         Derryck Lamptey <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Exerpt from Horror film..

From Phantasm II,

The nasty says to a terrified "victim-to-be":

        "You think when you die you go to heaven...

         YOU COME TO ME!"

Derryck.
==========
Date:         Tue, 3 Aug 1993 13:32:12 +0000
From:         KondrotasS <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Sexist (with sex, of course)

Found in the New York Times, Business Section:

Did you hear about the baby born the other day with both sexes?
It had a penis AND a brain.

---------
My inner macho wouldn't allow me to use it as it is, so I replace penis vith
vagina. Still, it works fine.

-- Saul (Munich)
==========
Date:         Tue, 3 Aug 1993 07:49:30 CDT
From:         Ed Johnson <[e-mail]>
Subject:      myth

So, if the rape myth is not true, why do we keep re-electing democratic
congresses? --Ed Johnson
==========
Date:         Tue, 3 Aug 1993 08:52:10 EST
From:         ROBERT RYAN <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Flying Farmer (rated G)

        A farmer and his wife went to a county fair and were fascinated by a
barnstorming pilot who was offering rides for $25.  The farmer had never
seen a plane close up and he certainly had never ridden in one.
        "I'll tell you what," said the pilot, "if you and your wife can ride
in the plane with me and not utter a single sound during the whole ride, I'll
let you ride for free.  Otherwise, you pay.  How about it?"
        The farmer agreed and soon they were in the air.  The pilot was
determined to make his passengers shriek in terror.  He did loops and flips
and everything else he could think of, but the two passengers sitting behind
him never made a sound.
        After the ride, as the farmer was climbing out of the plane, the
young pilot told the old man, "I really am surprised, but as I said, you
ride for free.  I can't believe that you managed to keep silent for the
whole ride."
        "Yep," said the farmer, "but it was pretty tough.  I almost screamed
when my wife fell out."
==========
Date:         Tue, 3 Aug 1993 15:35:52 +0000
From:         KondrotasS <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Train (R)

An older priest and a young couple take a ride on a train. After a while, the
couple disappears onto the upper bunk leaving the priest below. The priest
hears some giggling and pretty soon a bit of something whitish drops down on
his sleeve.
He looks at it and ask suspiciously, "Are you fucking up there?"
"Why we're eating ice-cream!"
Relaxed, the priest picks the substance with his finger and licks it off.
Again, a drop of same size falls onto his sleeve. He picks it with a finger,
licks it and says, "Are you going to finish that ice-cream of yours?"
"Why we're fucking!"
==========
Date:         Tue, 3 Aug 1993 10:47:43 -0400
From:         Ian Chai <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Shells

I read in this week's Science News how scientists are discovering ways
to use the stuff that comes from the shells of crabs, shrimp, etc.

Hmm, wouldn't that be unethical? I mean, that's chitin, isn't it?
==========
Date:         Tue, 3 Aug 1993 10:05:42 -0600
From:         Chester Hodges <[e-mail]>

What's the definition of a perfect woman?

a) She's 3 feet tall, has a round hole for a mouth, and her head is flat so
   you can put a pint glass on it.

b) The sports model has pull back ears and her teeth fold in.

c) The economy model f---s all evening and at midnight turns into a roast beef
sandwich and a six pack.
==========
Date:         Tue, 3 Aug 1993 11:29:44 CDT
From:         "Scott P. Muir" <[e-mail]>
Organization: THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA
Subject:      Sign

I saw this in a store this weekend.

Children Left Unattended will be Sold as Slaves.
==========
Date:         Tue, 3 Aug 1993 11:32:00 CDT
From:         Mike Weatherred <[e-mail]>
Subject:      George Carlin on Abortion

''You ever notice that most of the people who are against abortion are
people you wouldn't want to f--- in the first place????''

                                    --from George Carlin
                                      ''What Am I Doin' in New Jersey''

mjw
Kansas State University
bitnet: CUBSFAN@KSUVM
internet: [e-mail]

''It is far better to have tried and failed at K-State than to have
graduated from KU.''
==========
Date:         Tue, 3 Aug 1993 11:38:15 -0500
From:         David Gamble <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Sign

This sign is posted at the check out stand of a convience store at my school.

"Need a penny, take a penny, need two pennies, get a job."
==========
Date:         Tue, 3 Aug 1993 16:46:51 GMT
From:         Roberto Bendotti <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Boiled rice served with sauce

One couple falls in love , the day of their marriage they take an oath:
"For every betrayal we put a grain of rice in a box ".
After some years the husband on the dead bed ask hopeless to the wife:
"Can we open the box now ? "
The wife answer: " Are you sure ? "
-"yes, i am very sure, it is my last replay "
The wife runs to the house to take the box, then with the husband opens the
box and there are four grains of rice.
The husband ask pardon because three grains are yours , the wife answer :
"Don't worry Harold , I HAVE ALREADY COOKED TWO TIMES BOILED RICE ||| ".

    "HA HA HA HA HA"

email: [e-mail]
==========
Date:         Tue, 3 Aug 1993 10:04:49 PDT
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was
              [e-mail]
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Life  2.2     A collection of clean humor gather seven years ago

-----------------------------------------------------------------

        There was this girl who was such an airhead that she thought 'nirvana' was
where Wheel of Fortune contestants stand.... (Groan!)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

A visitor to one of the Aleutian Islands, off Alaska, broke his glasses.
 He was told by his guide that he couldn't get the glasses repaired until
he returned to Anchorage.
"You mean there aren't any optometrists on the island?" said the man.
"If you see one," replied the guide, "it will just be an optical Aleutian.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

     Why do seagulls live near the sea?
     Because if they lived near the bay, they'd be called bagels.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

There was a pediatrician--who shall remain nameless--who, though he was a
good doctor, was heartily disliked by all his young patients because in an
effort to entertain them he performed boring magic tricks.
        One day, a sharp kid got an idea for getting rid of the jerk.  As Dr. X
was doing his tricks, the kid said  -If you're such a good magician, let's
see you turn yourself into an apple.-  The doctor complied, and quick as
a wink, the brat took & shoved the apple into a box & taped the lid shut.  And
the children were jubulient because they figured they had him out of their way.
        Then someone had a troubling thought.  -How do we know he's still really
in there?- he asked.   -That's easy- said the kid, -Just weigh the box.
If it weighs less, it means he's escaped.-  So that was what they did.
                A weigh a day keeps the doctor an apple.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

A ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying purple paint.  It is
reported that both crews have been marooned.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

The Basques and the Spaniards were tearing up the countryside with one of
their endless wars when the Basques chased the Spaniards into a box canyon.
 Thinking that they had trapped the enemy, the Basques fortified the only
entrance hoping to starve the Spaniards into submission.  After weeks of
waiting, the Basques were surprised by an attack on their rear and soundly
defeated: the clever Spaniards had found another way out!  The moral of the
story is, of course, DON'T PUT ALL OF YOUR BASQUES IN ONE EXIT.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

An English baker opened a bakery in a resort area in Northwest Africa.  He
featured his two specialties, traditional scones and fresh brown rolls.

For his grand opening, he offered a sample of both of his specialties free
with any purchase.  Despite this appealing promotion, his grand opening was
a failure.  For while he attracted some of the tourists in the area, none
of the local people patronized his bakery, with the exception of the reporter
for the local newspaper, who filed the following headline:

"A Roll and Scone Gathers no Moors."
==========
Date:         Tue, 3 Aug 1993 11:11:00 MDT
From:         Spit Bounces <[e-mail]>
Subject:      A whale of an undertaking

How do you circumcise a whale?
Four skin divers.
==========
Date:         Tue, 3 Aug 1993 11:11:00 EDT
From:         "Musat, Bob" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      stories with a moral  (PG-13) (violence)

these are pretty bad.  no, really.  they're groaners and then some!

every day, this panhandler would always stood on the same street corner.  and
every day, the same well-dressed gentleman would pass by, on his way to work.
the panhandler always asked for two dollars for a meal, and the gentleman
always gave it to him and never even thought about it.

finally, with winter coming, the panhandler figures that he could just ask for
a larger sum, and then he wouldn't have to stand outside in the snow and cold.

the following day, when the gentleman came by, the panhandler asked for $500!
well, the gentleman was outraged!  he not only did not give the panhandler
his usual two dollars, but declared that he would never give the man another
cent!

with the loss of this regular income, the panhandler eventually died of
starvation.

which just goes to show...

you should never put all your begs into one askit!  :)


------------------------------------------------------------------------------


all the counts of the kingdom got together to overthrow the king.  they
formed a pact of secrecy and swore that none would ever give away the names
of the others.

having found out a few of the names from one of the count's squire, who was
very loyal to the king.

one by one, the king summonned the counts and interrogated them upon penalty
of death to disclose the names of the other counts, in which case they would
be spared their lives.

one, particular count wasn't too sure about whether the names of his
accomplices were worth his head, but he kept silent right up to the axman's
block.

with his hands tied behind his back, and his head down on the block, the ax
was raised.

just as the executioner was bringing the ax down, the count shouted, "no!
wait!  i'll talk!"  ...but to no avail.  the ax fell and that was that.

which just goes to show...

you shouldn't hatchet your counts before they chicken.  :)


------------------------------------------------------------------------------


a dastardly knave, who was so poor that he was only able to build himself a
tiny, one-room house made of grass, had a fairly bizarre compulsion:  he
liked to steal the thrones out of the castles of surrounding kingdoms.

the mystery grew, day by day, because this knave was so clever.  he would
pilfer by day; he would pilfer by night.  he would creep in quietly; he
would walk in brazenly while the royal family was out on a hunt.  but he
never got caught.

finally, one day, all the thrones that he had stolen (and had hidden away in
his house) became too much for the frail, grass walls of his house to bear.
they crashed through the walls and fell all about his property.  a passing
knight errant saw what happened, reported to his king what he had seen, and
the poor knave was put to death for his deeds.

which just goes to show...

people who live in grass houses shouldn't stole thrones!  :)
==========
Date:         Tue, 3 Aug 1993 14:47:54 EDT
From:         "Sammie L. Foss" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      an even worse moral story

there was this black man who always wanted to be white.
one day he found a genie, who said that he would grant him 3 wishes.
the man promply wished that the genie make him
                                               (1) white
                                               (2) uptight
                                               (3) out of sight
the genie turned him into a tampon.

which goes to show......
                        there are always strings attached.

BARF,
     Sammie
==========
Date:         Tue, 3 Aug 1993 15:15:10 EDT
From:         BETH WOODELL <[e-mail]>
Subject:      My favorite limerick

I'm sure you covered limericks before I got here, but here's my favorite
anyway. Before I tell you, you should know that in the study of law there is
a Latin saying--"De minimis non curat lex"--translating roughly as 'the law
does not concern itself with trifles.' Or so I am told.

There once was a young man named Rex,
Cursed with a diminutive organ of sex.
When charged with exposure
He replied with composure,
"De minimis non curat lex."

Beth Woodell
University of Maryland
[e-mail]
Walking proof that gentlemen do NOT prefer blondes
==========
Date:         Tue, 3 Aug 1993 15:56:35 -0400
From:         Sharon Rondeau <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Another Sign

   *MISSING*
Husband, Shotgun
    and Dog
 Reward for Dog
==========
Date:         Tue, 3 Aug 1993 15:45:00 EST
From:         "Shirley D. Kennedy [phone]" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      potato joke (clean but a real groaner)

--Boundary (ID nn6+y46MrS7ynJ/5UfrN/g)
Content-type: TEXT/PLAIN


--Boundary (ID nn6+y46MrS7ynJ/5UfrN/g)
Content-type: MESSAGE/RFC822

Date: Sun, 1 Aug 1993 19:28:00 EST
Subject: Re: No gnus is good gnus
Sender: Computer-assisted Reporting & <[e-mail]>
To: Multiple recipients of list CARR-L <[e-mail]>
Content-type: TEXT/PLAIN
Posting-date: Tue, 3 Aug 1993 00:00:00 EST
Importance: normal
A1-format:
A1-type: MAIL


::ahem::

There was once a family of potatoes: the father potato, the mother potato,
and their three potato daughters.

One day the eldest potato daughter came home and said, "Oh mother, oh
father, I am to be wed!"

"To who, daughter?" they asked.

"To the King of the Tator Tots!"

The potato parents were elated at the news.  "Oh joy!" they cried out.
"We will be royalty, and have riches far beyond our wildest dreams!"

The next day the middle potato daughter came home and said, "Oh mother, oh
father, I am to be wed!"

"To who, daughter?" they asked.

"To the Emperor of the Golden Yams!"

Once again the parents could not contain their glee.  "Hurrah!" they
exclaimed.  "We will be amongst the most powerful potatos in the entire
kingdom!"

The next day the youngest potato daughter came home and said, "Oh mother,
oh father, I too am to be wed!"

The potato parents were absolutely astonished.  How much better could
their lives actually get?  "Tell us, daughter," they implored, wide-eyed
and hopeful, "who are you to wed?"

"I'm gonna marry John Chancellor!"

The smile fell from the faces of the potato parents as they looked at each
other, nonplussed.  Then the father potato looked back at his youngest
daughter and said, "John Chancellor?  But....he's such a..._common_ tater!"



___________________________________________________________
Aaron Dickey                    [e-mail]

More insomniacs subscribe to World News Now than to any
other mailing list!     [e-mail]

--Boundary (ID nn6+y46MrS7ynJ/5UfrN/g)--
==========
Date:         Wed, 4 Aug 1993 10:13:01 +0000
From:         KondrotasS <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: an even worse moral story

>there was this black man who always wanted to be white.
>one day he found a genie, who said that he would grant him 3 wishes.
>the man promply wished that the genie make him
>                                               (1) white
>                                               (2) uptight
>                                               (3) out of sight
>the genie turned him into a tampon.
>
>which goes to show......
>                        there are always strings attached.
>
>BARF,
>    Sammie
----------------------------------
There is another version of this. The black wanted to be white and see a lot of
pussies. The genie turned him into bidet.

-- Saul (Munich)
==========
Date:         Wed, 4 Aug 1993 10:41:06 +0000
From:         KondrotasS <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Rasist (mild)

A white man comes from England to South Africa. He is looking for a hotel but
all the hotels are full so he makes up his mind to try out a hotel for blacks.
They have beds all right, but there is one problem: under the law, a white man
cannot sleep in a blacks' hotel. Since it's getting late in the night, the
receptionist has an advise to offer:
"Take this shoe-wax, rub it into your face, neck, and hands - so that nobody
could tell you from a black - and I'll give you a bed for one night. I'll wake
you up at dawn, you wash the wax off and leave the hotel before anyone
notices."
The man does what he was told.
Early in the morning, the receptionist wakes the customer up. He goes to the
bathroom and tries to wash the wax off but nothing happens. Horrified, he
scrubs and brushes, there is no more soap left, but no way,  he's still
black...
... For the receptionist woke up the wrong man.


-- Saul (Munich)
==========
Date:         Wed, 4 Aug 1993 09:56:04 BST
From:         Derryck Lamptey <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Rasist (strong)

Two South African Police  were on patrol,
(In the strong days of passbooks, etc)
and they came across a black boy of around
12. He was out of his area, and one of the
policemen urged him to get home asap.

He started running, and the second policeman
took out his bazooka and shot the black boy
in the back.

The first one said:
"Why did you do that?"

The second one replied:
"I know where he lives, and he would never have
 been able to get there before curfew"
==========
Date:         Wed, 4 Aug 1993 10:54:59 METDST
From:         "Ing. Jan Kucera" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Flea experiment (offensive)

WARNING! May be felt as offensive by the Russians!

A great Russian scientist Ivan Ivanowich Ivanow made experiments with a flea.

He said: "Jump, flea!" and it jumped 40 centimetres high.
So he took a pencil (a big Russian invention) and put the following record
in the experimental log: "I said: 'Jump,flea!' and it jumped 40 cm."

Then he tore off one of the flea's legs. He said: "Jump, flea!" and it jumped
30 centimetres high. He recorded: "When I tore off one leg, the flea jumped
30 cm."

Then he continued tearing off other legs and the flea jumped 20, 10, and 2
centimeters high, respectively. Everything was recorded in the log book.

When only 1 leg remained, the poor flea jumped only 1 millimeter and a half
high. Again, it was recorded.

Finally he tore off the last leg. He said: "Jump, flea!". No response. He
said again (in a high voice): "Jump, flea!". Nothing. He shouted: "Jump,
flea!!!!!". The flea did not move.

So Ivan Ivanowich Ivanow took a pencil for the last time and wrote:
 "I tore off all flea's legs and it cannot hear."

---